Horoscopes

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Based on the heavens, it looks like football can take Florida Atlantic just so long as Saturn is within 300 meters of the sun at halftime, and most of the stars in Pegasus die out by Thursday. In Tre We Trust. Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Either this telescope is flipping something, or the answer to your midterm’s essay question will be ABEDEECABADBBAEDCAAEBDADEDDEBA and the multiple choice section is going to be really, really long. Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): No, okay? No. I can’t keep enabling you, Gemini; you need to learn to make your own decisions. You’re letting an “astrologer” who’s failing STEM and Business Writing affect your real life choices. Do you realize how insane that sounds? Take control of your own destiny! Stop listening to me talk about celestial orbs, and grow a pair of your own! Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Why do they put a fence around the Homecoming bonfire?

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